Giving feedback – do I have to?

By Clare Ryan

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the challenge of giving critical feedback. My experience from over 25 years in social work is that many people struggle with providing critical feedback because they don’t want to upset their colleague/supervisee, and they can’t bear the experience of discomfort and potential rupture it evokes in the relationship. When you’re giving feedback to someone who you directly manage, there’s no escaping the power dynamic that comes into play – you’re assuming your “boss” role, and this may not sit easily with those of us who like to lead in a primarily democratic and relational way. Among the many supervisors that I’ve had over the years, three in particular come to mind in relation to how they gave me feedback.

Only positive feedback – “strengths-based”

This was the supervisor who I generally got along really well with, but who couldn’t handle any sort of discomfort without turning it into something personal. So what I got from them was the clear message that our relationship was more important to them than the work being done to the best of my ability. I got lots of praise and recognition, and when I didn’t do something particularly well, they would leap in to defend me and apportion blame somewhere else so that I felt better. I mean, it was great on the one hand (so safe!)…but I really could have benefited from the opportunity to critically reflect on how I could develop my skills, scaffolded by a supervisor who was willing to guide me and manage their and my discomfort in the experience.

Feedback as a slap

This supervisor was what I called my “tormentor” as a joke; they were my mentor in many ways, but they delivered feedback and teaching moments in ways that made me feel like I was a bit stupid, or should have known better. They had quite a “hands off” supervision approach, which was great in building my sense of autonomy, but when things inevitably went wrong and I made a mistake or incorrect judgement call, I would feel their wrath and often walked away feeling quite ashamed as well as belittled. A bit like a child being scolded. Similar to my previous example, this supervisor and I got along fantastically well most of the time – and I think their discomfort (and disappointment in me when I slipped up) saw them reverting to their default zone of anger and shaming. This resulted in a recurring dynamic where I would act to appease them and “prove” myself – an unhealthy professional relationship that I now see reinforced my learned tendency to be self-critical and fearful of making mistakes.

Feedback as a growth opportunity

This supervisor was definitely the person I had the least relational connection with – but they hold strong in my memory as the supervisor who gave me what I needed, rather than what I wanted. She was on the interview panel for a leadership role that I had applied for and when she called to offer me the job she began the conversation by asking me how I thought the interview had gone, then telling me that she had been quite disappointed by my attitude in response to one of the questions. As I started crying (sigh!) she gently but firmly told me why, if I wanted to progress in my career, I needed to pay attention to the things that matter, not just the things that mattered to me. As I took on that leadership role, she role-modelled on a regular basis the skill of giving critical feedback, in a timely and constructive way, always delivered so that I experienced it as a learning opportunity, not a personal criticism. I never really warmed to her personally, but boy do I appreciate what she gave me.

Feedback is a gift

What I have learned, and continue to learn, is that giving feedback is a critical leadership skill which too many of us avoid because it feels unpleasant. However, discomfort is intrinsic to our own and others’ growth. If we only sit in our comfort zone, and allow others to do so as well, we deny them and ourselves the opportunity to professionally “stretch”. For those of us who supervise people, we bear a responsibility to those we lead to give them the gift of timely, concrete and constructive critical feedback.

As I wrote my examples above, I reflected on the relational context of the different experiences I had with my supervisors. As a trauma-informed professional, I recognise that the most effective conversations or interactions are conducted within a context of relational safety and respect, and that the recipient of the feedback will hear it best, and act upon it, when their stress activation is managed. While we as leaders can’t control other people’s reactions to what we say and do, we can take steps within our own circle of control to create the best environment. So even though I wouldn’t have described my relationship with the third supervisor as relationally strong, I now realise that she demonstrated trustworthiness by being consistent with her expectations, raising issues in a considered and careful manner with me, and allowing me to have my emotional response without rescuing me from that – and above all, communicating that she knew I had the capacity to grow into my role. I definitely felt like I got on better and shared much more personally with the other two supervisors - which I would have thought equated to relational safety – but because they hadn’t actually demonstrated their own ability to deliver feedback in a regulated, consistent and supportive way (or in the case of number 1, at all!), the relationship didn’t serve me as a professional nearly as effectively. I guess my final point is this: the most effective critical feedback leverages off relational trust and respect (not necessarily liking!) in order to sit together in the uncomfortable space that the other person needs, and is entitled to, so that they can develop and fulfill their responsibilities to their clients, colleagues and the organisation.